The Conundrum of Priorities and the Search for Health and Balance

It’s been a little while folks. While I haven’t had a great deal of time lately to sit down and write, I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about priorities, balance, and intentionality. I have come across some circumstances lately that have made me take a look at how I spend my time as new priorities arise and also observe other people set priorities given related circumstances.

I am currently and have been for some time a great proponent of diversity of interests and living a healthy and balanced life spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. What I have observed, however, is not everyone views life the same way and even if they say they are for the same thing, their definition of healthy and balanced may not look the same as mine. This then raises a few questions. Is there one definition or model of healthy and balanced or is there room for variation from individual to individual? If there is variation, then who determines when a difference is just variation or if maybe that variation is less actual variation and more unbalance and unhealthiness? To be clear, I don’t have all the answers to these questions. I do believe that it is very easy to live an unhealthy and unbalanced lifestyle. Living a healthy and balanced life takes effort and intentionality. It doesn’t just happen. And I also believe that people are different and therefore will have different needs. But there are probably some things that are fairly constant.

For example, you can’t spend all your time with one person. You need to cultivate many healthy relationships of different types. Healthy relationships take work no matter if it is a friendship, a romantic relationship or a family relationship. They all take work and you have to be intentional. And they are all important. It is very easy to throw a huge majority of your time and energy at a new priority or interest. But that’s not healthy long term. It is easy to get distracted by new things but the balance is always important. Granted, we have limited time and resources and therefore have to be choosy and some things may stop being a priority or become less important as new things emerge. I think it is then paramount to be honest with yourself and to those affected by your change in priorities that your priorities have in fact changed. Saying your priorities are one way while your actions communicate something different benefits absolutely no one.

My Friend Imagination

When I am walking to and from the train, generally one of two things are running through my head. One, I am having a conversation with God about my life. Two, I am following the story of imaginary characters and places. Lately it has been much more of option two. Like most things there are pros and cons. First on the pro side: my creativity is alive and well. On the con side: I am not fully present in reality. But that con is a discussion for another day.

I often struggle with what to do with my affinity for creating other worlds with people and places. I have tried writing stories down and I have discovered that it is a lot harder than I first expected. The biggest problem I have is the shear amount of time it takes to write and fully flesh out a story. I picked one a few years ago and started detailing the characters and plot. Two years later I have accumulated a mere 4000 words supported by copious amounts of notes. I am still determined to finish that story but it is taking me a lot longer to do so than I originally anticipated.

The second major problem I come across is the ADD nature of my imagination. This week alone I have created at least three different fantasy worlds. Sometimes the different worlds share similarities but each is still distinct. I am consuming new inspiration from books, movies, television shows, and the world around me at such a rate that my imagination has a difficult time staying in one place for any great length of time. This isn’t really helpful when trying to write a novel.

The truth is that not every “world” is suitable for something like a novel. Sometimes the world I create is just for me in a specific moment. Through this world I can work through things I am struggling with like a relationship with another person or merely an aspect of my personality I am trying to better grasp. These “worlds” are my greatest form of self-expression. I would love to be able to share the people and places I create because in many ways these characters are real to me. I know they are imaginary so I am not delusional. But their lives are important to me and I share their pain when they struggle and I feel their joy when they triumph. Their lives and their stories play like a movie in my head. I see what they see and I feel what they feel. The hard part is getting all of that out of my head and onto paper.

Maybe someday I will proudly say that I am a storyteller or author or something like along those lines. My dream is still to be a creator of stories. But in the meantime, it’s just me and imaginary people hanging out in my head defeating dragons and conquering imaginary worlds. I have to believe that there is a reason I have such a vivid and overactive imagination.

From Frayed and Tattered to Whole and Refreshed

I meant to write over the weekend. But I didn’t. Obviously. Instead I spent a lot of time in solitude. Now that the weekend is over, I have been thinking about the the way felt before my little weekend of introversion. The closest I have come to describing the way I felt is “frayed”. Loose ends and jagged edges. Tattered. One pull and I would have unraveled completely. I may not have actually unraveled but I certainly felt that way. My thoughts were scattered and I knew I was not at my best.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel refreshed and closer to the person I want to be. Thank goodness. I definitely prefer being focused and calm to the tattered mess I was becoming. I am inspired by the world again. I missed the thrill that comes from inspiration and awe. It is a relief to have it back. I am still working on climbing out of my head and collecting my thoughts but I feel much more relaxed and prepared for what comes next. I am not entirely sure what the next thing in my adventure will be but I am sure it will be great. And I am ready for it again.

The older I get the more and more comfortable I become making the choice that is right for me even if it is not the typical choice. I want to love life and the only way I can love life is if I make the choice that is right for me as a unique individual and not the one that fits convention. I don’t run into this problem often but I sometimes wonder what the conventional choice would be. Most people don’t stop everything to have a weekend with minimal social contact. I do though. And I needed to make that choice in order to take care of myself. And I am the better for my weekend of introversion even if it is a little odd.

O Sweet Solitude

I think I have realized one reason why I am having such a hard time getting back into my routine. I haven’t been taking sufficient time to recharge. I have done a lot of really fun things in the past several weeks but that also means I have pretty much been going from one social activity to another without taking sufficient time to recharge in between activities. I’m an introvert. I recharge in solitude away from other people. For example, I may have a great time hanging out at a party with friends for a few hours. But then I’m going to feel like I ran a marathon and should take a nap. I recharge by being still and quiet and primarily alone. People drain me of energy. And that is how I am feeling right now. Drained. And exhausted. And I’m beginning to feel extremely miserable and grumpy.

I frequently find myself torn between engaging in fun social activities and wanting to just be alone. I don’t want to miss out on things but there comes a point when I begin to feel in my soul the need to be solitary. I’ll say yes to an activity just so I don’t miss out but I will secretly also wish I was a hermit with no friends. I feel the obligation and desire to participate because they are my friends and family. And I like my friends and family. And I like activities. But as fun as those things (family, friends, activities) are, they are also exhausting and taxing on my body and soul. Because I’m introvert. Even though I have known this for a very long time, it is a continual struggle to make the right choice when taking care of myself. Sometimes I have to say no to things. It’s hard to do but I cannot effectively recharge around others.

So if I say no to you for the next little while, don’t take it personally. I’m just overtired. And as I learned this past weekend from my toddler “nephew”, overtired people are not fun. So I’m going to hibernate socially for a little while.  That way, the next time I spend significant time with the people who matter to me I will be a recharged, fully-functioning version of myself.

Momentum = Mass X Velocity

I’m back from my adventure. Truth be told, I’ve been back for a little while now. And I’ve run into a little problem. I can’t seem to find my routine again. Let me clarify, I found the old routine just fine. It’s the new one that has been somewhat elusive. It takes a lot of conscious effort to wake up at 5:30 when I know I really don’t have to wake up for another half hour. That necessary will power has been hanging out with Where’s the Waldo.

I love routines and especially the new one I created. The problem is that I also love sleep and movies and books. All of which are great things but when I am also trying to be more consistent with my quiet times and writing times, those “other” activities become distractions. They are enjoyable activities that allow my mind to relax but not necessarily stimulating personal growth activities. And I really want and need to be intentional about the activities that are going to move me forward like quiet times and writing.

I could sit here and explain down to the smallest detail the series of events that contributed to my inability to return immediately to my routine (hint: part of it involves a cancelled flight and a sleepless night in airport baggage claim) but that wouldn’t be entirely productive or useful. However, it would demonstrate how I do not adjust well to change or deviation sometimes.

The core of the problem has nothing to do with circumstances that changed my original plan. The problem is that while I was away and out of my normal routine, I did not keep up with the habits that I had been developing. And I lost momentum. And I lost my drive to pursue those things that will enrich my mind and soul. So not only did I have to readjust to the pace of normal life but I also had to find again that piece of my soul that longed for change and growth. I am following my new schedule again but I am still searching for that spark of motivation. Change is hard. And if we let the pieces of our soul that resist change take control, we fall back into our old ways. My goal for this week is to let the part of me that wants to change and grow back in control of choices. And in so doing, I hope to rebuild my momentum.

The Road Goes Ever On and On

I’m going on an adventure! Just like Bilbo. Well, maybe not quite like Bibo. As far as I know, there will be no dragons. Or Orcs. If either one of those do show up, I will be quite surprised.

While my adventure probably won’t spawn a series of books and movies, it does feel very adventurous and spontaneous. For most of my life, I have lived very strictly to a plan. I organized every detail and had contingency plans available if needed. For the most part, this is how I still live my life but not to the same degree as I once did. As I get older and come to know myself better, I realize that my strict adherence to a plan and my compulsive need to have one was a security blanket. It was a way to protect myself from perceived dangers in the world around me and guard against any hurt. Inside my bunker of a plan, I was safe. In coming to terms with the hurts of my past, I am less afraid of uncertainty and I find myself enjoying a certain amount of whimsy and spontaneity. I call this a win for personal growth.

My adventure involves a 25 hour road trip across many states. And as far as I know there is very little planned apart from the end destination and the number of days we have allotted. The rest is up for grabs. Spontaneity, as a life concept, is rather new for me but I am excited to add a little more to my life. Because as it turns out, I kind of like it.

Scattered Thoughts

I am sitting down to write and I find myself torn between two different trains of thought. One, involves a challenge to find the line between staying true to who I know myself to be yet also reaching beyond my comfortable habits to what would be considered normal or typical dating behavior. The second involves friendships and goodbyes.

As I sort through the first topic, I realize that I’m not that conflicted. I know my own mind and I know who I am. I need to trust my instincts. I could try and conform to the normal standards of dating and do what would be considered the smart play given the situation. Or I could do what feels right and true to who I am. If I play the dating game the way someone else would, I wouldn’t be truly demonstrating who I am. I don’t follow normal rules because I don’t like them and they don’t make sense to me. Why should I pretend to be someone I’m not in an attempt to manipulate the situation to achieve a favorable outcome? That’s ridiculous. I need to trust my instincts. If someone wants to date me, they should date the real me and not the one that puts up a façade to play the game. Matter solved. I need to make the choices I would make even if they are not the choices someone else might make.

Onto the second topic: friendship. Tonight, I said goodbye to a very dear friend who is moving to another state. This was the last time I would have a chance to see her before she moves. I have been extraordinarily blessed by her friendship and I will miss her very much. No matter how many states are between us, I have no doubt that we will maintain our friendship despite the distance. The older I get the more I realize that real and true friendship is extraordinarily uncommon and therefore should be cherished and treasured.

This post is a little scattered but it is all coming together for me now. It is so rare yet so important to truly know and be comfortable with who we are. It is then equally rare yet also equally important to surround ourselves with people who also know us and love us exactly the way we are. Whether it be a friendship or a dating relationship, we can’t pretend to be someone we are not. It is only in the relationships where we are loved for every unique and eccentric quality that we will feel truly accepted and important. I am thankful for the friendships that I have. I can be as unique and eccentric as I desire because these individuals accept me for me. And I feel truly blessed to be able to say that.

This Is for the Birds.

I hate online dating. Wait. Let me rephrase. On any given day, my feelings towards online dating range from mildly dislike to absolutely loathe. It’s like dating from a catalog. I don’t like it and it feels weird. Tantrum aside…Dating is the strangest social construct complete with its own set of rules that no one tells you about. Who came up with this? It’s absurd. “Let’s intentionally agree to an evening of awkwardness in hopes that we might both agree the other person is not a complete lunatic and is in fact moderately tolerable. Then maybe we will agree to do it again (and again) hoping it will get less awkward and maybe one day we will fall in love.” The whole thing is for the birds. And that has been my exact thought many times since I have started online dating. This is for the birds. Supposedly there are people who like this whole dating thing and are good at it. I am not one of those people and I am seriously considering the benefits of an arranged marriage.

Think about it. You go to someone and tell them what you want in a spouse and then they find you a husband. Maybe you do a few face to face meetings with the person they found. Then you commit and call it a day. Very little hassle. At least that’s how the idealized version floating around my head works. Pity there aren’t matchmakers for us normal folk. And I’m not actually serious because I like free will and making my own choices. But dating is hard and not always a lot of fun. And no one really told me being a single twenty something in the dating world could be so tiresome.

I blame Disney. They filled my head with ideas of true love and Prince Charming. But that’s not the real world. And true love is not at all like it is in the movies. I have yet to meet anyone who sings and dances with me in the forest. The meet cutes we see in the movies are not how real life tends to play out.

I think there comes a point when you start to let go of Prince Charming and the meet cute. And I’m conflicted about whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, I am a big fan of living in the real world and managing expectations. But on the other, giving up on a dream is one of the worst disappointments. And in all honesty, I still want to be romanced and swept off my feet (metaphorically). I can’t quite break free from my desire to be part of a great story

So where does that leave me? Great question. I’m not sure. I have about five months left of my subscription so I will give it my best effort even though I not so secretly hate the whole process. And maybe there is a great guy for me floating around the bizarre world of online dating. I’m skeptical but I will see where this adventure takes me.

My Love Affair with Stories

I think I have a problem. I’m addicted to books and stories. Let me tell you what happens sometimes. I get really involved in a story. And then I lose track of the rest of the world. I sit down to read for maybe an hour or so before I go on to do other things. After telling myself “just one more chapter” about ten times, I get to the point where I look at the clock and look at how much I’ve read and how much is left to read. And I realize that I will do nothing else, including sleep, until I finish the book. Last night I learned I can read a 350 page book in 3 ½ hours. Score 1 for Reading Skills; 0 for Productivity.

That’s an entertaining story to me but I have come to a greater realization about my love of books and stories. My enneagram type had a hand in this one I think. I’m going with Type 5 with a 4 wing in case anyone wants to know. Here’s the realization: I use the world of stories (books, tv shows, movies, the ones in my head) as a way to escape from the world until I’m fully ready to participate again. When I first started thinking back to when my love affair with stories began, I initially thought it began with the Lord of the Rings after my mom died. But I think it goes back further than that. I think it might go back as far as Nancy Drew. I think this has been a pattern all my life.

That’s not to say I don’t love books and stories for healthy reasons too. I love the creativity that it takes to tell a story and define characters. There is nothing quite like the joy found in reading a great story. But I also think I have needed stories as a crutch to help me survive and cope. I can look back and see how getting lost in a story (written by someone else or created in my own head) was something I desperately needed. Almost like an addict looking for her next fix. For me, stories are my drug. And my obsession can go from healthy love to unhealthy dependency in a blink of an eye.

As I work to become healthier (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually), I find myself going to the world of stories less and less for the escape and more and more for the pure enjoyment. I call that a victory. Now that I am more aware of the reasons why I go to the world of stories, I can make sure that I’m going there for the right reasons. And if I am trying to escape, I can take a moment to confront the reasons why I feel the need.

I will always love the world of stories. They are a part of who I am and one of my greatest passions. I couldn’t stop reading or creating stories even if I tried. But I want to make sure that I am leveraging that love for the greatest possible good. So that means finding the unhealthy parts and doing my best to change.

 

In the Quiet Stillness

5:30 am is kicking my butt a little bit right now. Who knew a half hour change in wake up time would make such a difference? So far I’ve been able to get out of bed when I should but I am only half awake when I sit in my chair to begin my quiet time. As it turns out, my mind is not quite ready for complex thoughts even though I have managed to pull my body out of bed and down the stairs. As a result, I’ve been learning to appreciate a quiet mind.

It’s so difficult to stop my brain from thinking that it’s almost a new experience to be still in both body and mind. Once I sit in my chair, I read a little bit from the Bible and then I just sit and listen. I look out the window and listen to the early morning traffic and the birds and whatever other sounds happen to come through the front windows. There is something about just taking in the world around me without analyzing every detail that I never truly appreciated before. This time of stillness has been quite profound. When I just let myself be still and not try to push through the morning fog, I’ve found a great deal of peace and rest. By being still and quiet, I can just be. There is no pretense or analysis. Just me. In a chair. Sharing the morning with God.

At some point, I’m sure my mind will catch up to my body. But for the near future at least, my quiet times may be just God and I enjoying the morning together in stillness. And you know what? I think that’s okay. Because isn’t the point of a quiet time to be with God. Profound analysis is not always necessary. Sometimes I think God asks us to be still and listen.